How to Write a Letter to Your Birth Child

February 12, 2021

By Adoption Choices of Florida

How to Write a Letter to Your Birth Child

Writing a letter to your birth child is a decision that is entirely up to you to make. You can choose to do so while you’re still pregnant and planning to place your baby for adoption, or years later when your birth child is all grown up and living their own life. As a birth mother, you’re not required to write a letter to your birth child, but if you decide you want to, getting started isn’t easy! A lot of birth mothers who choose to write letters to their birth child have no idea where to start. Sometimes, they’re not even sure writing a letter is a good idea, and other times, there’s so much to say that it’s overwhelming. 

Whether you’re on the fence about writing a letter or wondering where to start, Adoption Choices of Florida has got you covered! Below, we’ve given you a few ideas on what to include in a letter to your birth child, and a few ideas on what not to include!   

Writing a Letter to Your Birth Child

  • What to Include:
    • A little information about yourself! Aside from wanting to know why they were placed for adoption, most adoptees simply want the chance to get to know their birth mother. In your letter, tell your birth child a little bit more about who you are, what your life was like when you placed them for adoption, what your life is like now, if you have a family, what you do for a living and so on. Remember, when you’re getting to know each other, learning the most general information about each other is a great place to start building trust and building your relationship with each other!
  • Positive talk about your adoption journey and positive adoption language! Every birth mother’s adoption journey is different, with its own unique high and low moments. But as you’re writing a letter to your birth child, try to talk positively about your adoption journey and use positive adoption language. Even if your particular journey presented you with a lot of difficulties, remember that your adoption decision gave you the opportunity to give your child a better life with a loving adoptive family. For more information on positive adoption language, please visit our website’s blog on how to use positive adoption language.  
  • Your feelings! Openness and honesty! It’s OK to express your feelings to your birth child and to be open and honest with them, but again, try to remain positive. If you write to your child about a difficult time in your adoption journey, try to bring it back around to something positive. What did you learn from that difficult time in your adoption journey? How did it help you prepare for the rest of the journey? Expressing negativity toward your adoption journey — or toward adoption in general — can have a damaging impact on your birth child, which you will learn more about in a few paragraphs.   
  • A little information about your child’s other birth family! Your birth child may very well have some information about their other birth family members, but you may be able to help by filling in some of the gaps. For as difficult as it can be for an adoptee to discover they have another birth family out there, it can also be fun to learn more about their family history and where they come from!  
  • A current photo of yourself! So long as you’re comfortable with doing so, feel free to include a current photo of yourself in your letter to your birth child. It’s common for an adoptee to wonder whether or not they look like their birth mother, birth father, or another member of their birth family, so including a photo of yourself can be a fun little surprise to add to your birth child’s letter! If you continue to write letters for and/or exchange letters with your birth child, you may also find it fun to include photos of other birth family members or to include little mementos from your adoption journey!  
  • What Not to Include:
    • Negative talk about your adoption journey or adoption in general! As aforementioned, every birth mother’s adoption journey is different — each journey has its fair share of highs and lows! Sometimes, it’s OK to write to your child about the difficult times you faced throughout your adoption journey. But again, try to circle back to something positive. Also, be mindful of how negative talk about adoption can negatively impact your birth child. Most adoptees view their adoption as a huge part of what makes them who they are today. Negative adoption talk can change their positive perception of adoption — and of their identity as an adoptee — into something to be embarrassed or ashamed of, which is completely untrue! 
  • Negative talk about your child’s birth father, regardless of his role — or lack thereof — in your adoption journey! Be honest with your birth child about their birth father’s role in your adoption journey, but try to avoid talking negatively about him. One day, your birth child may try to seek him out. Your birth child should be free to get to know their birth father on their own and form their own feelings and opinions of him, without yours getting in the way!  

A Little More on the Importance of Getting to Know Each Other in an Adoption Relationship… 

Whether you’re writing a letter to the unborn child you’re placing for adoption or exchanging letters with a child you placed for adoption many years ago, remember, a great place to start is by telling your child about yourself and allowing them to get to know you first. Again, it’s OK to communicate openly and honestly with your child, but you may not necessarily want to overwhelm them with information. Getting to know each other is an extremely important part of building trust and establishing a strong relationship. By spending a little extra time getting to know each other, you’ll become more comfortable with each other. 

So, if and when you and your birth child decide to have more conversations centered around your adoption decision, you’ll feel a little more confident in your ability to do so!

If you are a pregnant woman in Florida considering adoption, and have any questions or concerns about the adoption process, please don’t hesitate to reach out. For more information on adoption, visit us at Adoption Choices of Florida or call us at: (833) 352-3678